A Day in the Life…
Sometimes my friends call me up and invite me to things. Stress sometimes. These things are usually not pet-friendly. When I decline because of dogs, they always say, “Oh, just leave them alone for the night!”. I always reply, “You have never had a dog, have you?”. So, I have made this post partly out of amusement and partly out of frustration. Perhaps my life will make more sense to my friends. Or perhaps, they will just think that I am even crazier than they do already. Who knows. But, here is my comparison to pre- and post-animal additions.
6:30am: Wake up. Wipe slobber off of hands. Pretend to be excited to be alive. Let dogs out for quick pee.
7:00am: Feed dogs breakfast. Wipe drool off of floor. Ensure water bowl is clean and full.
7:30am: Say goodbye to manbeast, try to coax dogs to go back to sleep.
8:30am: Give up on hopes of going back to sleep. Take dogs out to play. Initiate scooper duty. Tell dogs not to bark. Throw ball. Wipe slobber grass off of hands. Tell dogs not to go in garden. Chase dogs into house.
10:00am: Clean cat barf off of floor. Feed cat. Trip over dogs while walking to desk.
11:00am: Tell dogs that you can’t pet them right now because you are working. Feel guilty. Receive evil glare until dog falls asleep.
12:00pm: Take dogs out for romp. Walk, throw ball. Tell dogs not to chase bees. Tell dogs not to chase birds. Tell dogs not to bark at meter-reader lady.
12:30pm: Promise dogs treat. Bring them inside and give them treat. Tell them not to steal from each other. Give cat treats. Pet dogs. Sing song to dogs. Try to work.
3:00pm: Take dogs out for another romp. Throw ball. Ignore -40 or +30 weather. Try not to die of heat exhaustion or frostbite. Attempt to command dogs to go potty. Watch dogs wrestle. Watch dogs get filthy. Tell dogs to leave bugs alone. Go inside.
5:55pm: Tell dogs it’s not time for supper yet. Have dogs paw you until you give in and take them outside. Again.
6:00pm: Take dogs outside. Tell dog to not chase tail. Tell other dog to not eat bees. Tell dog not to roll. Take dogs in and feed supper.
6:15pm: Occasionally clean barf off of floor and feed dog again. Tell dog not to get so excited. Tell other dog not to eat barf.
7:00pm: Play in house with dogs. Be depressed about amount of fur in house. Retrieve ball from under sofa. Retrieve ball from under coffee table. Retrieve ball from between couch cushions.
7:30pm: Eat own supper. Tell dogs to lie down. Call dogs over to clean food that fell on floor. See dogs sad faces. Set aside morsels to give to dogs after done.
8:00pm: Tell dog to get out of dishwasher. Wedge self on couch between arm rest and dog. Try not to disturb dog. Feel need to pee, refuse to disturb dog and hold it.
9:00pm: Snuggle cat while dog sleeps on lap. Tell cat not to put butt in face. Watch dog wake and be jealous.
10:00pm: Take dogs outside. Play with them. Command them to potty. Watch as beautiful lawn gets torn up from dogs chasing each other. Give up on nice yard.
11:00pm: Tell dogs it’s bedtime. Wedge self into bed between animals. Wish you had bigger bed. Fall asleep with one animal on legs and one on chest.
1:00am: Wake having to pee. Find bed free of animals. Get up. Navigate dark shapes of dogs on floor like stealth ninja avoiding laser-beam security trap. Same on way back.
7:00am: Wake up. Have shower and coffee. Go to work.
12:00pm: Have lunch with manbeast.
4:30pm: Leave work. Stop at mall. Shop around.
5:30pm: Grab bite at restaurant. Have glass of wine. Have wonderful conversation.
7:00pm: Go home. Call friend. Have chat. Read book. Avoid outdoors.
8:30pm: Go to movie. Meet friends. Have blast.
10:30pm: Go home. Relax on couch. Watch snow fall or heat rays wave. Be thankful for having no reason to go outside.
11:30pm: Go to bed. Stretch out. Pull blankets to chin. Rest fitfully.
2:00am: Wake having to pee. Stumble to bathroom and back. Slip back into blissful sleep.